My grandfather died this past Saturday.  Pretty awesome, right?

My mother is in pitiful condition.  She was babbling like a little girl for the entire week that he suffered in the Hospital. I can hardly blame her though. She isn't the best at dealing with emotional strife of this magnitude.  It was annoying, but I can't complain about something like that. At least she is capable of showing emotion ~ something I can't boast about. I am not sad that he died; I didn't know him all that well; we never really talked about anything substantial. Not that I can offer any excuse.

He had gotten into an accident a year and a half ago, a very severe accident. He had some of his intestine removed, caught pneumonia, etc. He was in the ICU for almost 3 weeks, and the pneumonia almost killed him.  Grandfather was very lucky.

On Christmas Eve, he got painful cramps after dinner, and went to sleep early, as they were causing him a lot of discomfort. When he awoke in the morning, they were still there, and he was taken to the hospital. It turns out, scar tissue had blocked his intestine where he had surgery after the accident. They removed the blockage in surgery, and he should have recovered fine. He suffered some complications, however. They gave him surgery again for something, and then he caught pneumonia, and was hooked up to way too many IVs and machines for a week before they let him die.

So all of that business aside, his death has basically wrecked my Mother's side of the family.  My grandmother is in pretty poor shape.  He will be sorely missed.

I really don't want to go to the funeral. But, who does?

Oh, and Wednesdays suck.

For once in a long time, I actually don't have a single thing to do, at all.  It is liberating.  I think it is an excuse to become hopelessly intoxicated ~ because a hangover won't matter as much.

I am probably going to the Choir concert tomorrow.  Really just to hang out with friends more than anything else.  The concert itself will be a painful experience.

I'm going to try and go to bed early, so I don't sleep until 3 tomorrow.... I have gotten way, way too much sleep these past two days.

My journal is kind of sad ~ I need to start writing about something concrete, instead of my complaints and thoughts.

Sonnet 99

The forward violet thus did I chide:

Sweet thief, whence didst thou steal thy sweet that smells,

If not from my love's breath? The purple pride

Which on thy soft cheek for complexion dwells

In my love's veins thou hast too grossly dyed.

The lily I condemnèd for thy hand,

And buds of marjoram had stol'n thy hair;

The roses fearfully on thorns did stand,

One blushing shame, another white despair;

A third, nor red nor white, had stol'n of both,

And to his robbery had annex'd thy breath;

But, for his theft, in pride of all his growth

A vengeful canker eat him up to death.

More flowers I noted, yet I none could see

But sweet or colour it had stol'n from thee.

One of these days
You'll miss your train, and come stay with me
It's always say goodnight and go
We'll have drinks and talk about things
And any excuse to stay awake with you
You'd sleep here, I'd sleep there
But then the heating may be down again
At my convenience
We'd be good, we'd be great together...
Go...

I made it through the week of hell ~ I am being as lazy as humanly possible, and it is awesome.

I just finished the Amber Spyglass for the third time in my life.  I have to say, the ending doesn't get to me quite as much as it used to, though it is still beautiful and sad.  By sad, I mean heart-wrenchingly agonizing, of course...
What I love most about that series, next to its originality, is the picture it paints of religion and the purpose of life.  It details all of the faults of Christianity, and the twisted beliefs of the Church.  It calls for us to build our own, 'Republic of Heaven.'  It means that we should experience life ~ find sorrow, joy, love, work for what we desire.  Find happiness and contentment and let us never worry about some fictional hell and waste half our life as a supplicant to an imagined deity for some imaginary afterlife.  Why waste the gift of life?  Time is precious; this fact is one of the only truly concrete things I have learned so far.

The Bach Chaconne is quickly becoming my favorite piece of music.  It is the only Classical piece that I think I could write lyrics to; most others are too complex, or I cannot understand the emotion enough.  I actually understand the Chaconne.  Its' melody speaks to me.  I used to think it was depressing and mournful.  Now that I have heard it enough, I can recognize beauty, remembrance, pain, slight regret, and love.  This piece is a monument to a deceased loved one, a description of their greatest traits, memories of their lives, and regret for lost opportunity.

And now it is time for bed... at 3 in the morning...

Here it is, the moment of truth.  Sink or swim ~ go on probation for the Honors College or no.  I can miss 9 questions on the Chem exam to get a 3.5.  I actually think I am capable of that, as long as the exam is the same style as last year's.  If not, then I am doomed for a 3.0.

Calculus, I truly don't know what will happen.  I am fairly confident for the exam tomorrow, but I really really need to do really, really well on it.  However, I did just waste the last 3 hours of my life by not studying.  We'll see if I can stay up late and study more.

:(.  It is going to be really hard to get that Alpha Underground Sea.  Really hard.  If I trade well, and rip a few stupid kids off.... Maybe.  It is definitely worth it to trade a bunch of Standard Rares for something as solid and always-valuable as an Underground Sea (black-bordered... hehe.)

I am excited for break ~ though I am uncertain how I am going to smuggle all of this alcohol past my mother and father...  It should work out, though.

No time for Shakespeare tonight ~ I'm too tired as well, I think.

God this semester has sucked.  I slacked off all year so far, and now I am going to pay for it out the fucking ass.  I will get a 3-3.5 in chem, probably a 3 in Arabic, the way things are looking, god knows what in Calc.  Like a fucking 2.0.  Physics should be a 3-3.5.  So basically, I am on probation for the honors college. Even with the best possible of my estimates, I might keep the 3.2 requirement.  fuck Fuck FUCK!.

Another day of NOT GETTING ENOUGH DONE.  The only thing I accomplished was finishing the SMART Scholarship Application.  Hey, who knows, If I win that, maybe it will cover up the mess I have started.  God fucking damnit.  It is too bad they apparently only give out 1 per year.

This just sucks.  I just have to work my fucking ass off next semester, like I should have been during this semester.  I refuse to hope for any miracle curving from the fucking Russian of a Calculus teacher I have.

I am going to bed early to hopefully ACCOMPLISH something tomorrow.  It probably wont result in sleep, seeing as the drunk assholes down the hall are being loud and playing that super juvenile fucking card game, Apples to fucking Apples.

No Shakespeare for tonight.  I am to vulgar.

Next week is exam week; or rather, it is exam week in 14 minutes.  Tomorrow is easy ~ just PHY 170.  Twenty minutes of bullshit.  It was an easy 3 credits though...  I met some cool TA's, and Pratt is pretty cool, despite the whole eccentric bit.

Calc shouldn't be that bad.  I know everything from the first semester really well.  I am just worried that he will put some random impossible limit on it that I won't be familiar with.  I should be able to learn all of it by Thursday though...

Chem and Arabic will be hard.  I need to prepare a ton for both of those.  I have a lot of time to do it, thankfully...


But exams are exams... Everyone has them.  There is no sense in fretting about fretting endlessly in a journal...

I read some reviews of The Fountain online the other day.  I must say that I was disappointed in what the critics thought of it.  They ripped apart, truly ripped, what I thought was an incredible film.  Hugh Grant gives the performance of his life in it ~ he is truly stunning in the levels he takes his character to.  Everyone seemed offset by the journey through space with the tree.  I see it as a metaphorical journey to Shibalba, as it happens in tandem with the other two stories.  Think about it.

I helped Leah for almost 2 hours on her calculus today ~ time well spent I guess... I would have rather been studying myself, as helping her with calculus was no help with mine...

I probably use '...' way too much...  Probably because I always feel like my thoughts trail off into nothingness.

Sonnet 66

Tired with all these, for restful death I cry,--
As, to behold Desert a beggar born,
And needy Nothing Trimm'd in jollity,
And purest Faith unhappily forsworn,
And gilded Honour shamefully misplaced,
And maiden Virtue rudely strumpeted,
And right Perfection wrongfully disgraced,
And Strength by limping Sway disabled,
And Art made tongue-tied by Authority,
And Folly, doctor-like, controlling Skill,
And simple Truth miscall'd Simplicity,
And captive Good attending captain Ill:
    Tired with all these, from these would I be gone,
    Save that, to die, I leave my love alone.
-William Shakespeare

This sonnet makes me say:  Jesus Christ.  I hope I never reach that level.  The only thing keeping me alive, making me wish to live, is so that my only love won't be alone.  fuck.

And I just want to say, my roommate and his fucking annoying ass girlfriend annoy the fucking goddamn shit out of me.

Sonnet 132

Thine eyes I love, and they, as pitying me,
Knowing thy heart torments me with disdain,
Have put on black, and loving mourners be,
Looking with pretty ruth upon my pain.
And truly not the morning sun of heaven
Better becomes the gray cheeks of the east,
Nor that full star that ushers in the even
Doth half that glory to the sober west,
As those two mourning eyes become thy face:
O, let it, then, as well beseem thy heart
To mourn for me, since mourning doth thee grace,
And suit thy pity like in every part.
    Then will I swear Beauty herself is black,
    And all they foul that thy complexion lack.
-William Shakespeare

So, it was my last day of class today, and I only went to 1 of 3.  Is that bad?  It won't end up mattering... but... still.  It seems dumb that I have to pay $900 a class, and then it is pointless to go...

I have a long week of studying coming, which is necessary and expected... It doesn't mean that I have to like it.  I should do great on my exams ~ should.

So I just sold all of my money rares ~ and netted around $1800.  But then I bought a Grim Tutor for $115, a Recall for $315, and then a Timetwister for $140.  *Sigh...   This means that I am not allowed to spend any money for about 2 months.  Which sucks BAWLS. What're you going to do though?  AND on top of all that, I am probably going to trade for an Alpha Underground Sea, which I am really excited for.  I should get it.

I am excited for break, for the party at Jimmy's, and for all the wine....  And for presents, of course.  Seeing as my father hasn't asked for a Christmas list from me yet, I hope he will just be lazy and get me money...  Is that greedy?  I know, I know, it is.  But I have bad spending habits.

I am excited for the relaxation ~ I will read a lot, and probably pick up my Ukulele for the first time in a couple of months.  At least, that is the plan.  We all know how well I stick to my plans...

Well, that will be a good night for me, I think.  I want to write more...  Ah, well, another time.

I wonder if I will ever find any of my friends on this site...

A week or so later, I actually return to this place.  I had made a pledge to do this every night ~ I just seem to keep forgetting ~ or not caring.

I am behind... so very, very behind...  All the wine that I had last night did not help with that at all.  I had a great time last night, but I regret the time I lost today from my hangover.

We watched The Fountain last night, to start off the Wine&Cheese party.  It is one of the most beautiful movies I have ever seen, and I highly recommend it to everybody.  Every scene is beautiful; sometimes tragic, but beautiful.  The heartwrenching trials Hugh Jackman must face break my heart.  The soundtrack topped it all off.  (I can't speak coherently right now.  Wine hangovers are crippling)

I feel as though I have a lot to say, but I'm too lethargic to express it all.  I need to sleep tonight in order to get all my work done tomorrow morning. 

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time's waste:
Then can I drown an eye, unused to flow,
for precious friends hid in death's dateless night,
and weep afresh love's long-since-cancell'd woe,
and moan the expense of many a vanisht sight:
Then can I grieve at grievances forgone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell o'er
The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,
Which I new pay as if not paid before.
    But if the while I think on thee, dear friend.
    All losses are restored, and sorrows end.
-William Shakespeare

It is late, and here I am, typing run-on sentences instead of studying for the Calculus quiz that I will take in 10 hours (And by take I mean fail).

So Live Journal...   I haven't used this website in years.  I feel like keeping a journal will be good for me ~ I can't give any reason why.  I just think that writing about my thoughts every night will help me become a more stable person; writing might help me understand myself better, so that I....  shit.

I am not making any sense, I can't really explain this, I guess.

I'm not sure how I will feel about my friends reading this, hell, maybe I wont even go and find any of them.  This could just be a virtual private diary...

Thanksgiving is coming, though this will be the first year that I wont be having a turkey dinner with my family.  Instead, I leave to go deer hunting at Uncle Ben's.  That should be what happens, I guess...  My father's car is having massive difficulties getting out of second gear.  So I may be left to doing my homework (which I have neglected to do for the last week or two...)  Actually, I kind of hope that happens.  I could use the time alone to myself.  I would catch up on my studies, at least. That, or play WAY too much Guitar Hero, like I usually do.

I have been listening constantly to a couple of classical songs Neil showed me too.  They are quickly becoming my favorites...  They are just stunningly beautiful.